March 2020 brought a sudden end to my church involvement and attendance, as it did for most people everywhere. COVID-19 made church gatherings a health risk. Unlike many people, however, I was not sad to change up my Sundays. In fact, it was a relief. After six decades of faithful church attendance and many ministry roles as a lay member, multiple issues were prompting me to rethink my involvement in American evangelicalism as a whole and the local congregation in particular. The pandemic did me a favor by taking the decision to change a life-long habit out of my hands.
When services in the church building reconvened in June, I stayed home. I have attended just one service and that was enough to remind me why I need to stay away for now. Someday, I may find myself back at church, but probably not this week or next or even next month.
As I said, there were multiple issues driving me away, both local and on a wider scale, but the one that has bothered me most in retrospect is walking away from unresolved conflict with church leaders. I am a reader and encounter many words about reconciliation and restoration and forgiveness and humility. I try to let those messages speak to me as I examine my heart. Six months after the end of my involvement, the lack of resolution still nags at me. I know I am not without fault in these rifts and wonder what more I can do to offer a path to reconciliation.
This morning I woke from a dream. There were two scenes that bore enough similarity to inspire some analysis. In the first scene, I was invited to a large home, a mansion. I stepped into the huge front vestibule, which resembled the lobby of a hotel, and settled onto a bench by the door. An older couple sat by me and we watched the hustle and bustle. I saw the lady of the house pass through the vestibule a few times, but she never glanced my direction. I was looking forward to seeing her husband, but he never made an appearance. I was aware he was in a back room somewhere – maybe the kitchen, somewhere to the right.
I realized others in the lobby were migrating toward a hall to the left. The couple next to me got up to follow them and I also rose. But instead of following the crowd, I slipped out the front door.
My next stop was a convention center or mall with multiple people milling around inside. At the back of the large room was a studio of some sort with windows allowing me to see inside. I was interested in the services of the studio and went to the door. Once admitted, I sat and waited for my turn with the proprietor. But she was busy with other people and never looked my way. After waiting quite a while, I slipped out the door.
Two settings, two waits, two exits without ever interacting with my hosts. It seemed there was significance in this theme and I tried to sort through it. When have I sat by a metaphorical door waiting for a metaphorical host to look my way and then just left? The only answer I could come up with involved the church. Long before the shut-down, I felt like my voice was not welcome in the church. Some people were openly hostile, others appeared to listen to my concerns but then continued on as though I hadn’t spoken, others were unable or unwilling to listen to voices outside their chosen sources of input. They would talk to me about trivial matters or share their own views, but weren’t open to actual two-way conversation about serious issues.
As I pondered the emotional aspect of my dream, I realized I wasn’t at all offended by my inattentive hosts. I just looked at my options and chose one. 1) I could continue to sit and wait; 2) I could push forward without an invitation; or 3) I could walk away.
I chose to walk away.
I don’t know what people at the church think of my absence. I wrote an email to the pastor when services started back up saying I would no longer be involved. He knew some of my issues and I didn't bother to explain the ones he doesn't know about. With the pandemic still in full swing, people may think I'm afraid of the virus. My husband is still involved but brings home no reports of people asking about me. A few people have told me they miss me and hope I’ll come back without expressing curiosity concerning my reasons for not being there. A couple of “fringe” people unaware of the tension have asked me why I’m staying away. I have resisted the urge to come up with a simple explanation for a complex tangle of issues, so I have no answer. They aren’t curious enough to probe, so the conversation ends. No one in a leadership role has asked.
I realized the hosts in my dream could be best described as “indifferent.” They weren’t concerned about me. There was no rift between us, no negative emotions. They simply didn’t see me and likely didn’t notice when I slipped out the door.
Similarly, the people who take the most ownership for the church I have left seem unconcerned about resolving the rift between us. Any effort I have made toward reconciliation during months and even years of tension has been brushed aside with a denial that a rift exists. None of my efforts have brought any thaw in our relationship. They don’t want to talk about it.
And then it dawned on me. There are no balls in my court. I have sent lobs to others, inviting engagement, but not one of them has been returned. They just get pushed aside and the game goes on without my participation.
I value reconciliation. I would love to talk through the tensions that have led us to where we are and try to resolve them. But my “host” (the church) is unaware of me sitting by the door waiting for an invitation for full engagement in what is happening. Unconcerned. Indifferent. Preoccupied. And that’s all right.
There are no balls in my court. This is a liberating thought! I don’t need to push my way into places where I haven’t been invited – down the hall to the left or wandering someone’s house unaccompanied in search of an elusive host or interrupting the busy studio manager. I don’t need to wait indefinitely for someone to notice me sitting just inside the door. I can slip out the door with no ill will toward any of the busy, preoccupied, indifferent people I’m leaving behind and move on with my life.
I don’t know how I feel about placing high levels of significance on dreams. Can I trust my subconscious mind to accurately interpret my situation? Do I think God speaks through symbolic dreams today like in the Old Testament? I don’t know. But I know this: I can be certain no one has reached out to me looking for reconciliation and walked away rebuffed, because the truth is that no one has reached out to me with any serious interest in understanding what is happening in my life. People involved in church ministry are too busy and maybe too hurt to chase after people who have walked away from their ministry. They don’t have the resources necessary to invest deeply in relationships with people like me. I’m free to go. There are no balls in my court!
