I managed to listen with little comment, mostly asking questions to better understand. I could tell his points were well-rehearsed: I was not the first to hear the list of injustices he has endured. Apparently, talking about them previously has done nothing to lessen his sense of injustice, more to hone his points. Now he has practiced his delivery one more time.
Listening is a skill I am still working on. It is an act of faith, believing there is power in it, that I don't have to somehow come up with words of wisdom in response to a flow of words coming my direction in order to make a difference. On this occasion I did better than sometimes. While I am aware of perspectives that place others in a better light than he casts them in, he was not open to hearing words to that effect and I managed to refrain from sharing them.
A few days earlier I had a very different conversation with another young man around the same age. In that exchange, I was defeated by my companion's well-developed debating skills multiple times. He asked me pointed questions, rejected my responses as not answering those questions, and then shot down my subsequent attempts to respond as evidence of my flawed thinking. And I let it happen. I was not up to verbal sparring at his level, and I didn't care if he "won." I have no need for his approval of my "truth."^ I like that he finds me a worthy opponent for the verbal jousting he so obviously enjoys. And the fact that he sometimes attacked a position I had not taken in the moment let me know my influence goes beyond what I actually say. Whether he was harking back to previous exchanges or had simply built up a caricature of my worldview in his mind, he wasn't far enough off from my actual thinking for me to protest. He set up "truth" on my behalf and then shot it down as false. But -- and this is an important point -- actual Truth was unmoved by his arguments. Truth is enduring. It's not as though God flickers in and out of existence depending on the strength of atheists' arguments.
I don't know how valid my own "truth" is, but having someone shoot down that "truth" as logically flawed doesn't seem to have harmed it any. Rather, I am pleased that my young friend is aware of someone in his world who doesn't accept the "truth" taught in the bubble where he mainly dwells. Because I am part of his life, even though our paths cross infrequently, he has thought about why he believes the way he does and why I am wrong. That is not a bad thing from my point of view. Next he needs to figure out how I continue to believe as I do despite his bullet-proof arguments.
This morning I read in Titus 3 advice for believers "to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone" (verse 2) because "at one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived, and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures" (verse 3) I have thirty-plus years on my recent partners in conversation. I have been where they are: angry at being excluded; convinced that I could change someone's "truth" to better reflect my own through logical arguments. I don't want to go back there. At this point in my life, I need to focus more on being peaceable, considerate, and gentle toward everyone.
An article from evangelicalism I read recently talked about the struggle to balance truth and grace. Too much truth without grace is hard and unkind. Too much grace without truth is mushy and useless. We need to find the delicate balance between the two. (There was no delineation between capital T Truth and each individual's grasp of "truth" in that article. Rather, the author spoke of "objective truth," which is apparently knowable, but still somehow not accepted by everyone.)
The concern for balance between truth and grace may be valid, but it leaves out the fact that grace without truth is almost, if not completely, impossible to offer. My personal "truth" slips out in various ways as I live my life. For example, people may listen to my words and notice my vocabulary doesn't include "coarse language." They may then presume I am opposed to such language and assign that "truth" to me whether it fits or not, because it fits other people who have schooled them in this area. There is no reason for me to verbalize my ambivalent and changing views on the topic. That is not a conversation they are looking to have.
Whatever my standards for my own speech, that doesn't mean I am bothered by the language others use.^^ I may be full of grace on the subject, but people can still think I am judging them in my mind and respond to me as though I had spoken the words they have heard from others whom they think are just like me.
I have no idea how much "truth" in such areas people pick up as we interact. I am confident, however, that enough is transmitted that focusing my intentional communication completely on grace to the best of my ability will still land me farther from the grace end of the truth-grace continuum than I would like to be. Not only does my own life and speech lean naturally toward "truth," but also, as a Christian in the Bible belt, I tend to get lumped in with the rigid "truth" that tends to characterize all religion. People presume they know what I believe as a Christian without bothering to ask questions and truly listen to my answers.
True grace is not an easy, spineless response to others. It requires considerable effort to see people, accept them, and forgive them. There is a reason God's grace has so frequently been described as amazing.
Titus chapter 3 goes on to say that "when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy." Kindness and love, not truth-telling and judgment. And mercy! I am not there yet in living exclusively in kindness, love, and mercy, but it is a goal worth pursuing.
^Disclaimer #1: I am mostly putting "truth" in quotes here. I believe in absolute truth -- Truth with a capital T. I do not believe that I have a handle on that Truth. My "truth" and every other person's falls short of that absolute Truth, which I see as approachable, but far beyond human comprehension.
^^Disclaimer #2: All exchanges described here, real and potential, are between adults. One of the most freeing moments of my life was when my youngest child moved into adulthood and I realized I was no longer responsible for parenting anyone, including policing the language of others.
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