I have left a lot of the evangelical subculture behind in the past few years. Part of doing so involves a deliberate focus on what lies in the direction I'm moving rather than on what is happening in the rearview mirror. This may, however, be the first of a series of thoughts on what I'm encountering among the faithful remnant carrying the flag of evangelicalism. My hope is that I can be gentle and kind in my response. We'll see how it goes.
Some of my social media friends have posted this meme in the past few days. The first time I cringed and scrolled on. I repeated my frequent instructions to myself: “Just ignore it. There is no need to respond.” Then someone I highly respect shared it. That made me stop and look more closely and ask: What is it about this meme that makes me cringe?
I think I'm mostly fine with the second half. I certainly agree that God is worthy of my worship, although I don't know that I need to go to church to worship God. Some would argue that point, but I'm not particularly interested in that discussion. As to the flawed people who gather at church, some of my friends love the idea that, as one songwriter put it, “the cross has made me flawless.” Others sport bumper stickers that say, “Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven.”
Are church people hopelessly flawed? Does grace cover our flaws? As Christians do we get a pass for being less than perfect? Less than loving? Less than moral? Less than honest? Less than ethical? Less than kind? Again, there are plenty of people to discuss this topic, and I'm probably not going to spend a lot of time joining them. I don't think I am in a position to critique someone who decides they prefer to spend Sunday mornings in the company of people who have the overall effect of lifting them up rather than bringing them down. Is it too much to admit that there are more than a few toxic and dysfunctional congregations operating in the world of Christianity?
As I studied the meme, I realized what really bothers me is the first line: “Stop looking for a perfect church.” It is in the form of a command. To whom? People who are looking for perfect churches. Obviously. Those people should stop.
I presume that those who share this meme on Facebook have encountered people they think are looking for a perfect church. How have they discerned this? Do such people say, “I am leaving this church behind. It has imperfect people and I am on a quest to find a perfect church”? I suspect not. There are many reasons why people choose to walk away from a faith community. The hope that they might find a flawless group of people around the block or down the road is probably not among those reasons. Ever.
This idea that people are looking for a perfect church comes not from those leaving but from those left behind. They are stung by the departure. They feel the rejection. They are faced with two options:
1. The group being left behind are the problem.
2. The people leaving are the problem
The first option is uncomfortable. If I am among those left behind and I start to think the problem lies with me, I deal with guilt and become defensive. I fear anything I do will be seen by critics as wrong. I become paralyzed. On the other hand, if I blame the departure on others in the group, I become critical and negative. My own unity with the group starts to suffer. Dealing with rejection is difficult!
The second option is so much nicer. We are fine. Sure, we're imperfect, but we don't deserve to be left behind like this. It's obvious those leaving are the ones who have the problem. They must think there's a perfect church out there somewhere. Let's make a meme that makes us feel better about how imperfect we are and makes those leaving look like they have impossibly high standards. Yes, that's a great idea.
Is there a better path? I hope so. I presume there are plenty of books and therapy approaches to help people deal with rejection personally that can also be applied to being rejected as a faith community. There are probably steps such as introspection to assess the validity of the reasons being actually voiced by those walking away versus the easy 'they are the ones with a problem' reasons assigned to them by internet memes. The first step would be to ask those leaving why they are going. Some groups do something called an “exit interview” to help them hear what they need to hear. Presuming they can somehow collect that information and understand it, they can then take an honest look at themselves and respond to what they have heard. Are changes needed? Given the group's core values (presuming they have discerned those values), how can they adjust in response to the critique? Do others share the perspective of those leaving? How valid is the critique? Is there any nugget of truth in an otherwise questionable critique that can be mined for value?
Somewhere between the first option of paralyzing self-blame in the face of rejection and and the second option of self-justification by labeling those leaving as the ones with the problem, there is a path of healthy self-assessment that doesn't require placing negative labels on others in order to feel good about ourselves. It may not be as convenient as an internet meme (and comes with its own set of potential pitfalls), but it certainly has more potential for healthy growth as a community.
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