On the Power of Nice

In the past few years, I have left behind much of the evangelical guilt that for so long crushed my soul. Whether it was a stated goal of “making more and better disciples” (sending a clear message that whatever level of discipleship we were at wasn't good enough) or frequent calls to pray more, read the Bible more, evangelize more, or attend church more, the overriding message was that whatever we were doing wasn't enough. Never enough.

Of the many blog feeds I read on a regular basis, only a handful are connected to that old evangelical world of guilt. A recent article from Relevant magazine had me checking the source. It seemed out of step with the typical message from that editorial team. In this case, the “not good enough” message was that simply being a good person – kind, even loving – would never attract anyone to Christ.

This is, of course, not a new message for me. In a world where nothing is ever good enough, being a nice person certainly isn't going to earn any gold stars, and the writer of that article is far from the first person to explain this to me. His words stirred up all the internal protests of old.

What is the basis of this conclusion? The author notes that when someone is kind, even loving, toward him or his family, he thinks it's wonderful, but he doesn't tag that person as a Christian, just as a nice person. If he personally doesn't associate kindness with Christianity, why would anyone else?

It is interesting. For many years, I fretted over my inability to be a “soul-winner.” I tried my best to witness and swing conversations around to spiritual matters. I found it impossible to do without coming across as beyond awkward and alienating people. Maybe that is because I am a terrible Christian. Maybe it is because I am not comfortable with making other people uncomfortable and sabotaging my relationships. (If I were a better Christian, I suppose witnessing to others would not sabotage my relationships, but despite all my best efforts I could never get there.) 

In all my life, I have just one memory of someone introducing me to another person as a “real Christian.” It surprised me since I had never discussed my faith with that person. All I had ever done was express an interest in his life, in his pain and grief. That's it. I was nice to him. And I tried to speak  with kindness to and about other people in his presence.

At the time of the introduction we were standing in an evangelical church. This man and his friend were waiting in line to pick up a box of groceries. I was simply hanging out with the people in line, not particularly contributing anything to the food distribution effort. There was an implication in his words that not all who are involved in that church or maybe any church are “real Christians.” Not that there are sinners sneaking in, but that those who profess to be saints might not be the genuine article. Why would he doubt the genuineness of active church members and label me as the real thing? What was the difference? Certainly not my ability to verbalize my faith! The only possible difference I could think of is that he saw kindness and compassion in me that he didn't see in those whose Christianity he doubted.

I have been thinking about the Relevant article for a couple of days. As it has hovered in the back of my mind, I have noticed again how mean Christians are on social media. Someone in a Facebook group is struggling in her marriage. The other women in the group rally around her and say, “Walk away from that bum! You deserve better!” I can't imagine the disgust that would come my way if I gently pointed out that the marriage might be worth fighting for. Yes, it's a rebound relationship and maybe progressed too quickly, but it seems there is good there, that maybe my Facebook friend is being a little overly sensitive, and maybe counseling could help. Is it kind to advise someone to throw away their marriage without encouraging her to step back and see if there is something salvageable in it? No one in the group knows the husband personally. How can they so easily discount any efforts he might be putting into the relationship? It hasn't been so long since we were hearing how wonderful he was. And her current complaints don't strike me as signs that the marriage needs to end. Why does the group have so little compassion for the husband and hope for the marriage to survive and thrive?

In another FB group someone is unhappy with the conservative church they are attending. The group comes together and shouts, “Walk away! These losers aren't worth your effort! Drive however far you need to get from your local community to find a more progressive faith community!”

On Twitter someone tells a story of a seminary professor making offensive comments about a Bible passage. Progressive Christian Twitter takes up arms to drive that professor out of Dodge. “Report him! Such comments are horrible! He must be a horrible person! Who is he? I'll take him out myself!”

A friend once said, “Never underestimate the power of nice,” but the author of the Relevant article doesn't associate “nice” with Christianity. The message is that a person encountering niceness wouldn't know what lay behind it. I wonder. Is the article perhaps also a commentary on how unlikely people are to associate Christianity with kindness?

Jesus told his disciples that people would recognize their connection to him by their love. (see John 13:35) Why do people assert that love will never be enough to make people think we are associated with Jesus, that we're obviously going to have to tell them (even if they don't ask) or they'll never know?

There are several questions here: 

1) Can people be consistently loving, good, and kind without knowing Christ? 

2) Is genuine loving kindness rare enough for people to be surprised by it and wonder what lies behind it? 

3) Can people know Christ and still show a marked lack of love and compassion in their lives?

I would say “yes” to the first question, but find it unlikely in anyone who hasn't gone deep spiritually. It requires a certain level of faith that life works best when we focus more on the interests of others than our own interests. That is what Jesus taught. Some have discovered that truth by taking other paths, but it is rare even in Christianity. The drive to look out for our own interests at the price of harming others is strong.

The second question is one we can each assess in our own world. How many people do you personally know who are characterized by kindness and consideration toward other people in their words and actions – to those present and not present? I have occasionally been surprised when a Christian I have seen as consistently kind and gentle exposes, in an unguarded moment, a deep vein of bitterness in their soul toward someone. I blink a couple of times and hold my tongue, but it throws me. Does everyone have areas of rancor in their innermost beings? Is there hope for healing in those areas? My friend who noted the unexpected “power of nice” may be onto something. “Nice” that permeates someone's entire being may be rare indeed. Sometimes I wonder if it exists anywhere? When I do run across love and compassion, it makes me think the one showing it, whether intentionally or not, is validating the truth found in the teachings of Jesus Christ.

As for the third question, I'm not the one to pass judgment on the connection others have to Christ. I will let those outside the church assess the attractiveness of such Christians while treasuring that one moment when someone described me as a “real Christian” based on how nice I had been to him and others. I pray I may live up to such an assessment. Having walked away from the guilt-laden atmosphere of evangelicalism, I am willing to let my life speak for itself. Jesus said, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” I have concluded that the act of following is my first and best strategy for making a difference in my world.

Do I talk about my faith? Uhm, well, that's what I'm doing right now. If you have made it this far, I presume you are interested in such matters. Faith is one of my favorite topics, right up there with books and gardening. But part of putting other people's interests ahead of my own is talking about what interests them! And many people don't want to discuss religion, particularly those who aren't religious.

Faith is part of who I am, an essential part. I read about it, write about it, talk about it. But I no longer try to talk about it to someone who doesn't want to discuss it. I'm nicer than that. And one should never underestimate the power of nice.