I'm going to Israel!

Before my mother-in-law passed away in February, she referred frequently to money she had set aside for my husband and expressed a desire for us to travel to Israel.  Israel?  As in, the Middle East?  This was more than a little surprising. And not exactly a wish I was eager to fulfill.

A few weeks after her death, I saw the notice that a group of people connected with the Church of the Nazarene in Southwest Indiana will be going to Israel in January 2015 with an invitation to be part of that group. Israel!  Well, maybe.  If we could go with people we know.  If someone else would be handling the details of international travel.

So we signed up.  And I'm already enjoying this trip immensely for multiple reasons.

• I haven't been "abroad" for forty years -- since Nazarene Youth Congress was held in Fiesch, Switzerland in 1974 and I attended as a 16-year-old. This is a big deal!
• My husband and I haven't done a genuine vacation trip since our children quit traveling with us. I get email all the time from airlines and travel sites and hotel chains offering me travel opportunities, and I look at them wistfully before pushing the delete button, not sure where to go or why. How wonderful to now say, "No, thank you. I already have a wonderful trip planned."
• I haven't made a trip as an adult that I didn't have to plan. The greatest stress in my life comes from my to-do list, for home, work, and the church. Looming deadlines, forgotten details, and a huge list of unfinished tasks is what keeps my stress level high. Having nine months to prepare for a trip that adds hardly anything to my to-do list -- mostly packing and clearing nine days for travel -- is wonderful! It adds much anticipation all these months ahead of time while adding hardly anything to my to-do list.  At some point, that one small detail of clearing nine days for travel will become a sticking point, but this far ahead of time it looks simple enough and the entire trip appears to be a stress-free adventure.

For previous trips, I have added books set in the region to my reading list. Israel is different. I don't want "Dick and Jane Visit Israel" type novels. Travelogues from modern pilgrims have some appeal, although I think less may be more in that genre. But I think I found the perfect addition to my pile of unread books -- Out-of-Doors in the Holy Land by Henry Van Dyke, written in 1908. Thus far, I've read the introduction and two chapters. His trip from England to Palestine, which he described with admirable brevity, took him 15 days of travel by ship, train, and Mediterranean yacht. I hope to get there from America in 15 hours or so. He saw many people from a wide variety of cultures along the way. Yes, come to think of it, I suspect that will be the case for me as well. I'm looking forward to the rest of his trip, which will be so different and yet maybe remarkably similar to mine. There's a reason great authors are recognized as being great, and this promises to be a great read.

How does such a nice person get labeled a meanie?

It happened again recently.  A grown man, an internet acquaintance, told me I wasn't being very nice.  I couldn't see his face or hear the tone behind his written words, but what popped into my head was a little kid saying, "Teacher!  Teacher!  Marsha is being mean to me!"

This push-back followed an email from another man apologizing for letting me see that he was offended by something I had said.  It was the first I knew of the offense.  I knew he didn't respond positively to a statement I made that contradicted something he had said, and I knew he left the scene shortly after, but the time gap was sufficient that I didn't make the connection.

Two offenses in one day!  It left me wondering:  Am I not a nice person?  And that question led to another question:  Do I want to be a nice person?  When set against such qualities as authentic, discerning, thoughtful, honest, transparent, loving, gentle, kind, good, and patient, where would I rank "nice" on my list of priorities?  Which of those virtues are part and parcel of "nice"?

I encountered someone new at the public library where I work this week.  He offered to do a favor for a staff member and then, with a self-deprecating chuckle, said, "I'm really a mean person."  And my "fraud alarm" went off.  Too much surface niceness, it said.  Watch out for this guy.  People who put their niceness on display make me nervous.  I wonder what lies behind it?

Can I be discerning and committed to honesty and consistently nice all at the same time?  I don't think a commitment to honesty requires one to make unkind comments to or about others, but it might make one less than syrupy sweet when discussing areas where there are different views among the group.  That was the case in both of my offenses this week.  My opinion differed from that of the men who found me less than nice and they were offended by the way I expressed that opinion.  Apparently, nice people don't push back against their statements the way I did.

So what do nice people do when they don't agree with what is being said?  Do they keep their thoughts to themselves?  Do they have skills I lack for expressing their disagreement in a way that doesn't stir up defensiveness?  Are the nicest people those who let others do the hard work of thinking and debating issues while they simply smile and focus on puppies and cookie recipes?

Is "nice" in conversation the equivalent to "bland" in food?  I realize that's my view of people who are nice in every situation.  No salt.  No backbone.  No iron sharpening iron.  Dull and bland.  Or worse, fake; wearing a mask of niceness to lull others into thinking they are wonderful.

And yet ... I spend almost all my time being a nice person.  Polite society depends on nice people being nice to each other, and even to not-so-nice people.  I get a lot of practice in the art of being nice to obnoxious people at the public library.  How is it that I, with all my developed skills, managed to offend two grown men in one day by countering their thoughts with my own in ways they found offensive?  Do I need to be a nicer person or do they need to make more space for me to freely express my viewpoint without taking offense?  If the answer is more niceness needed on my part, how do I get there while valuing authenticity in my relationships and without sacrificing independent thinking?

One more thing to ponder.

Why Ministry in the Church Is Difficult

I live in two worlds – inside the church and outside the church. I have been told many times that if we want to do ministry, we need to go outside the doors of the church building to find people who need God. I had to figure out for myself that those who gather inside the church on Sunday mornings also need God's love in their lives. Many people go to church on Sunday morning lonely and in despair and walk away an hour or so later even more lonely and deeper in despair. They have gathered with God's people and found no connection with God or with people even in that setting.

Out in the community I find endless opportunities to love people. I work with the public and listen to their stories and entrust them with mine. I am glad to see them and make a point to connect with them the best I can. But I seem to have no gift or ability for turning such exchanges to spiritual matters. I listen. I look for openings, for interest in spiritual things, but fail to get there. I'm never sure if I'm doing anything to bring them closer to God.

So I turn back to the church. That's where people with an interest in spiritual matters gather. And from the pastor to the bus child, people at church are hungry for someone to see them and love them as they are and demonstrate God's amazing grace to them. What better setting could there be for discussing matters of the heart?

In the church, however, I find many obstacles to true ministry. Here are a few of them:

1. Little opportunity for real conversation. I spend several hours a week in the church building. Most of that time is split between two formats – groups who sit and listen to a speaker, and smaller groups who meet to discuss a preselected topic. Little time is left for the increased intimacy and freedom of unstructured one-on-one conversations. Anything too raw and vulnerable to share with everyone present in a small group often has no room to be spoken.
   
   
2. Answers for every question. Outside the church the problems are large and don't lend themselves to easy answers. This may be one reason church people often don't like to go “out there.” The answers that are so obviously correct and greeted with a chorus of “Amen” when spoken in the church aren't given nearly so much respect “out there.” But in the church, they are kept on hand to give to people with problems. If you have a problem, we have the solution. Even in the smallest of small groups, there's likely to be someone ready to offer a simple solution to your complex problem.
   
   
3. An emphasis on truth and authority. There is a tone of authority, of being right and justified in all one's actions in the church that isn't encountered elsewhere. One who speaks for the Lord need never apologize or doubt their ability to speak the truth. It allows lines to be drawn rigidly and hearts hardened toward those who cross over them. It allows communication to go one way – from the one who is in possession of truth and authority to those who aren't.
   
   
4. An emphasis on training. Recently, a church person revealed to me that my efforts at ministry are falling short. In attempting to be flexible enough to accommodate everyone involved in a particular program, those of us leading the effort have frustrated people who get lost in the shuffle. We are aware of that problem and working to improve communication and planning. Having someone uninvolved in the program point out our shortcomings was more demoralizing than helpful. It was another example of someone speaking their version of truth rather than engaging in conversation.
   
   
5. An emphasis on discipline. One evening two teen girls went outside to talk in the cold winter darkness rather than joining the teen group. (See obstacle #1. Maybe they needed to talk rather than sit in a group?) Someone became concerned and the ladies Bible study group took up the search, one of them even driving a mile down the road to see if the girls had walked back to town. When the girls were finally found on the church grounds, they were soundly lectured for their bad behavior. I felt terrible about the chastisement they received with so little chance to explain their actions. I consider these young ladies to be my friends.  I don't know how much fence-mending will need to be done or if I will have a chance to do it. I was glad for a chance to chat briefly after the drama with the one I see less often in other settings. She told me she accidentally messed up a chance for her mother to start her chemotherapy sooner rather than later by not taking a call when using her mother's phone. What a burden for a teenage girl to carry. Maybe that's why she seemed less upset by the chastisement she had just received than her friend. Compared to the load she is already carrying, lectures by church ladies might seem pretty trivial. Besides, no one forces church attendance on her. She can just walk away if the church has no more to offer than the rest of her world.

I long to be a blessing as I go through my days. I long to share the joy I have found as an ambassador for God's glorious now-but-not-yet kingdom. Outside the church, my conversations too often lack the depth I long for them to have. But inside the church there are strong forces that leave people isolated and lonely, feeling like no one cares enough to hear the cry of their heart. There are voices of authority setting people straight and pointing out their failings. There is little opportunity for the ministry of focusing on one person and truly listening to them. It can be a discouraging place.

I won't quit trying to do ministry in the church. I'm never sure if being associated with a local church in a small town makes people more or less likely to trust me enough to share their hearts with me. If the answer is less, I suppose I can count it as part of the cost of following Christ. There are hurting, spiritually hungry people in the church and I need to include that setting in my days. If nothing else, the church can be a place for a quick exchange and a hug in between lectures and structured small-group discussions. It's not exactly the place of tender love and joy and good news one might hope it would be, but every now and then it provides a chance to listen to someone who needs someone to listen.

What do you think?  Do you find ministry opportunities in the church?

Somethin' Stupid

I have two lines running through my head.

For years now, one of my "mantras" has been one originating with two dear internet friends:  "God must be God and love must be enough."

A few weeks ago I walked away from a brief encounter and  the following line from an old song popped into my head:  "And then I go and spoil it all by saying somethin' stupid like 'I love you.' "  I hadn't actually said those words to my friend.  What I had said was, "I miss you."  But it may as well have been "I love you."  That's what lay behind it.  And I fear it showed.

This was an encounter with a friend.  But I had to make it happen.  I know where she works.  We used to see each other frequently, but she and her husband quit frequenting the place where we saw each other most -- church.  Just like that.  One week they were there, the next they were gone.  Too busy.  Have a big project they're working on.  No time for church.  No time for friends.  Gone.  For four solid months.

I do not have the gift of telephoning.  It's not as though I don't like to talk on the telephone.  I'm fine with it.  I just don't like making calls.  They don't go well for me.  I consistently interrupt more important activities rather than catching people at a convenient time.  I'm the one who calls your cell just as you get to the front of the checkout line and need to interact with the clerk.  So I generally don't call people.  However, I do somehow have the knack of encounters.  The encounter at hand was at the workplace,  I walked in just as my friend walked out of an inner room and had a few minutes to chat before being called to another task.  She wouldn't have had to be there.  Her schedule isn't predictable.  She might have been dreadfully busy or out of sight.  It was a serendipitous encounter.  My days often bring me that sort of "luck."  But my gift of encounters has failed me in respect to these particular friends the entire summer.  It has been one of near misses other than when I have forced encounters by showing up at their project.

And I have missed them.  Because I love them.  We have been friends.  Good friends.  We have been part of a group that has camped together, hiked together, even vacationed together.  They have made a tremendous contribution to who I am.  I love how much better I am for knowing them.  Now they seem to have simply walked away from our friendship.

So many choices in how to respond.  The church would have me woo them back.  Call them.  Send them cards and letters.  Invite them to my home.  Run the border of harassment in the name of Jesus.

I could treat them as they are treating me.  If they no longer want to be our friends, so be it!  It's not as though I'm so needy I have to run after them and beg them to come back into my life.  Right?  I have other friends.  Right?

Somehow letting them go but continuing to tell them I love them every time I see them doesn't fit any prescribed model.  I feel like it makes me look pathetic and weak.

The thing is, it's authentic.  I can let them go.  Our attachment is not so strong that I can't live without them.  I've done so for going on five months now without plunging into a deep depression or anything.  They aren't my all-in-all.  They're simply friends.  But I miss them.  I miss the good times we had together when our children were teenagers and strengthened our bond with their own friendship.  I miss what they bring to my life.  In short, I love them.

"God must be God, and love must be enough."  But how stupid it is to tell people who obviously no longer want or need you in their lives that you love them.  It's simply asking for further rejection.  How can such pathetic love have any power in it?

Is love enough?  Is it "stupid" to display unrequited love?

Maybe the better question is:  Is authenticity worth the pain of rejection when it puts unrequited love on display?

I choose to love.  I choose authenticity.  Even when it means telling people who have walked away from me that I still love them.  Even when my failure to pursue them beyond what chance encounters may come my way might make my words seem empty.   Hopefully, they aren't offended by my words simply because they don't come with cards and letters and phone calls.  Hopefully, they know they are far from out of mind simply because they're out of sight.

Several years ago an emotionally needy person decided I was the answer to her neediness.  In light of how little value has been placed on my friendship over the years, I found her confidence in the sufficiency of it a bit amusing.  I could give her a list of references to vouch for how mistaken she was in that confidence.  It's usually not all that surprising to me when people figure out they can do better and walk away.  But the friends who have done so recently seemed to actually like me for longer than most in spite of knowing me better than most.  I can go on without them.  It's not as though I haven't been through this before.  But I do value them highly and can't help but let it show on the rare occasion when I see them.  I hope they are doing well.  I hope they are finding fulfilling relationships.  I hope they haven't left God behind in leaving the church behind.  I hope life is wonderful for them.  Because I love them.  Still.  And I may as well say it.  Because it's true.

Is your diet healthy?

My doctor asked me that question a couple of weeks ago.  I laughed and told him I am a gardener.  He repeated the question:  "But do you eat right?"

I'm still trying to figure out the answer.  At 55 I'm struggling with a few extra pounds I seem unable to shed in spite of being favored genetically in that area.  It's difficult to get away from the American diet.

Sometimes I think back to my youth, to the days when Grandma would bring Pepsi with her when she came to visit and we would beg for this exotic treat that tickled one's nose.  The only other time we had soft drinks in the house was when someone was sick.  The belief that clear carbonated drinks are good for an upset stomach brought us ginger ale and 7-Up during that time and left me with a lifelong aversion to such beverages.  But I love Pepsi!

For normal beverages we had milk with every meal in the winter.  In the summer we had Kool-Aid for lunch and supper.  Sugary drinks.  We often had dessert with our meals.  But we also had fruit with every meal and vegetables every meal except breakfast.  And we rarely ate out.  I remember the terrible awkwardness of visiting Ponderosa for the first time as a teenager with a group of my peers and being completely unfamiliar with the place.

When our children were young, I involved them some in meal preparation and taught them the four food groups of the era -- meat/protein, bread/cereal, fruit/vegetable, and dairy.  When they were responsible for menu planning, they were expected to include something from every food group.

Do I eat well today?  This is fair week.  I have eaten fair food the past two nights.  The first night I had a corn dog.  The second night I had a fish sandwich with cola and mooched some of my daughter's cheese fries.  I'm thinking taco-in-a-bag tonight.  As fair food goes, that's not bad.  I have yet to buy ice cream or a funnel cake or cinnamon rolls or even my own french fries.  However, it's certainly not the tomato, lettuce, green bean, and sweet corn diet my garden is offering me.  I'm not sure there will be enough veggies in tonight's taco to offset the complete lack of fruits and vegetables the past two nights.  We did have BLTs and a small cantaloupe for lunch today and I've been snacking on cherry tomatoes, but the green beans still need to be picked.

When my low-carb dieting friends tell me they can't eat something I grow in my garden, I resolve to never be on a low-carb diet.  I have a theory that if every American was given a garden plot and a small barn lot and restricted to eating only what they grew and processed themselves, there would be very little obesity in the land.  If I grow it and eat it fresh from the garden, I figure I can do so guilt free.

So do I have a healthy diet?  By the standards of my youth, I would say the answer is no in terms of balance.  On the other hand, if I ate today like I did in my youth, I suspect I would be even more weight challenged than I am now.  Three full meals every day.  Cereal and toast and milk and fruit for breakfast.  Often sweetened cereal.  It would never do to start my day with that many calories today and then go on to have a sandwich plus fruit and vegetables for lunch and a full dinner every evening with milk or Kool-Aid.  I don't have enough activity to work off that level of consumption.  But then, I don't remember that we ever snacked between meals.  Snacks are a part of life now.

Do I eat well?  I guess the answer is:  I could do better.

Maybe I should take some cherry tomatoes to the fair tonight to add to my taco-in-a-bag.

On the World of Poverty

I'm sinking more and more deeply into poverty.  It's an interesting place.  There are those who would fix it.  At this point, I'm still trying to figure out which parts of it need fixing.

Just to be clear, my husband and I are doing fine financially.  In fact, we are blessed in having enough to share with others.  But one thing I'm learning is that giving people money is rarely, if ever, the best response to poverty.

The economic values of those living in poverty have long been of interest to me.  When I was young, I found them disturbing.  First some history:

In our first year of marriage, way back in the late 1970s, my husband and I were poor college students living on a shoestring budget.  In that year, I never went down the pop and potato chip aisle at the grocery store.  There simply wasn't room in our budget for such things. (And in that era snack foods didn't hold the position in the American diet they do today.)

Not long afterward, I stood in line at the grocery store and watched someone buy potato chips with food stamps.  Something rose up within me at the sight.  What business does someone depending on government assistance have buying junk food?  Ah, the righteous indignation of youth.

As I contemplated that scene and sought a more charitable response, I considered a couple of huge differences between what I had observed and my own experience with living on a tight budget -- 1) the skills and discipline to develop and live within a budget; and 2) the light at the end of the tunnel.  We were within twelve months of being awarded engineering degrees when we married.  If we could just hold on for a year, we could then start cashing in on our education.

As I hang out with my impoverished friends these many years later, I see the same pattern.  One of the chief reasons people don't want to give money to poor people is because it will go to alcohol or cigarettes.  And that may often be the case.  But not always.  Sometimes it will go toward junk food or high-priced convenience food or pet food for multiple pets or an inside climate more comfortable than the donor's or a smart phone or home entertainment nicer than the donor's or tickets to an amusement park or concert the donor passes over in order to be generous.  It challenges the charitable feelings of charitable people to see the beneficiaries of their donations enjoying elements of a lifestyle the donor considers "living large".  It's even worse when the donor didn't want to give in the first place and was taxed for those indulgences on the part of the poor.

One of the things I'm learning as I interact with people living in poverty is to keep my wallet closed.  There are times and ways to give monetary assistance, but it's generally better for our relationship if it's not my money directly supporting their spending decisions.  None of my friends show signs of starvation.  They are not without resources.  And it's easy for money to become the focus of our relationship if it becomes known that I'll dole it out in response to a well-crafted plea for assistance.

What I'm trying to offer people instead of money is an interest in their lives.  I listen to their woes and resist the urge to offer either assistance or advice, particularly when they are asking for neither.  I'm still learning the lanuage and culture of this community of poverty within the larger community.  It's interesting getting different perspectives, sorting out values, listening to stories and trying to figure out which (and how) conflicting accounts have been "enhanced" in the telling.

I almost never watch television.  There are so many other ways to spend my leisure time that are more appealing to me.  But I am fascinated by the interactive soap opera that plays through my days.  I get to interview the characters off-screen to see what makes them tick and even play a small role myself.  I can walk in and out of the "urban" scenes at will and then return to my safe refuge in the "suburbs".  (If you know where I live this will make you smile.  The "city" has a total population of 1,340 people.)  I have yet to really get my hands dirty.

I'm not sure where all this is leading, but I might have a slightly greater chance of doing good in this local soap opera than any on TV.  And it's certainly both educational and often entertaining, although frequently more tragedy than comedy.

So ... Angela told me last night that people say she's a drug dealer, but she obviously is not or she wouldn't be so poor.  What do I make of that statement?  Why even bring it up?  She says that a mutual acquaintance hits his girlfriend, but the girlfriend told me he has hit her only once -- the time he went to jail for it.  Was she afraid of what I would do if I knew the truth?  What IS the truth?  And what motivation do Angela and the girlfriend have for straying from truth when talking to me?

Years ago, I realized that one huge difference between my shoestring living and the person buying junk food with food stamps was hope.  I had confidence that my poverty was temporary.  And it was.  The person buying junk food with food stamps likely has little hope of their lot improving, particularly since making good consumer decisions seems beyond them.  Hope is the most valuable commodity I can offer my poverty-stricken friends.  I'm still trying to figure out how to package it for distribution.

Would you walk across the street for church music?

Morning thoughts:

Yesterday I drove 80 miles to attend a 2-hour church service.  As usual, I took pains to not fall asleep as I drove.  (This seems important to a lot of people, especially the other drivers on the road.)  I had an enticing audiobook with me but started with music.  As I listened, I made mental notes to prune my portable music collection to make room for new music.  One song went on too long and the lyrics had little to say.  Delete.  Another told a story I don't care to hear again.  Delete.  Sure it's shallow and doesn't value the effort behind the recordings, but there are so many recordings to choose from and a mere 16MB of space for everything I want to carry in my pocket.  I can't keep everything if I hope to keep up with new music coming down the pike.

I also had some podcasts with me, but didn't listen to that serious stuff.  After all, I had only two hours on the road and the candy sweetness of a children's audiobook was calling me.  And I was headed toward a 2-hour church service.

I didn't actually delete the music while driving.  I suspect the state lawmakers who told me not to text while driving would likewise frown on figuring out how to delete music while driving.  Instead, I did it during the two-hour service.  There were a lot of people in the service.  Few, if any, noticed or cared if I was distracted by electronics.  Besides, I wasn't the only one.  And maybe I was consulting my electronic scriptures.  (Rationalize, rationalize.)

Driving isn't the only time my chronic sleep-deprivation is a problem.  I also tend to drowse off when doing nothing but sitting and listening.  Combining listening and driving is good.  Doing either alone tends to make my eyelids droop.  Fortunately, there was a loudspeaker to my right last night that made the sound seem sort of like a car radio and I could pretend I was driving and listening.  That went pretty well.

Before the main speaker of the hour(s), however, there were other items on the agenda, including a bunch of music.  It was excellent music -- flawless talent with flawless canned accompaniment.  The quality competed well with the professional recordings in my mp3 collection.  But as I listened, I realized that if the songs were on my iPod, I would delete them.  It's not the style of music I choose for my personal collection.  Not at all.  I wouldn't walk across the street to hear a free concert.  In fact, even as I write this, I am watching time slip away and thinking I might be just a bit tardy for this morning's events and maybe miss the music.

Afternoon thoughts:

We heard this morning that churches should spend less energy worrying about getting the music right.  People walking past the doors don't even know there's music inside, let alone care what it's like.  If they find out we love them, we can stand on our heads to sing and they'll be fine with it.

Huh?  Okay, it's hyperbole, going for the laugh.  But I was listening while sitting in a gathering of people I love.  My sole reason for attending this gathering is to interact with those people.  And yet, I sacrificed this morning's earliest chance for interaction.  And missing the very high quality music was one among several factors contributing to my tardiness.

I have endured much music in the church I don't want to ever encounter elsewhere.  I have also volunteered for church nursery duty in order to excuse myself from concerts.  Maybe music isn't important to many people.  It's important to me.  I will avoid gatherings even of people I love if the music is offensive enough and my sense of obligation isn't strong enough to get me there.

Music isn't that important to many people, but other things are important to them.

"I wouldn't walk across the street to attend a free ______"  What?  A boring lecture on ancient sacred writings?  A lecture on morality and the dire eternal consequences of immorality?  A message about how the God who seems to do nothing to stop tragedy in the world loves them and has a wonderful plan for their life?  An hour of sitting next to friends without interacting with them?

What free event would entice people to walk across the street if their friends were there?

This is something to ponder.  What does it take to make an event designed to offer spiritual nourishment and hope for living more attractive than off-putting?

Conversations

Act One

I ran across a friend in a parking lot a couple of nights ago.  We're members of the same church but she hasn't attended with any regularity for several years.  She struggled as a parent of young children.  Seemed to be missing some basic instincts for controlling a toddler.  We tried to help her set boundaries and be kind but firm.  (And by "we," I mean "we the church."  Personally, I have more questions than answers and am not much for taking on the role of mentor.)

Then she was a single mother with troubled children.  We tried to help her through the tough times during her divorce.

Then she ran into financial problems.  We tried to help her out.  It was an opportunity to do more than simply throw money at someone's problems.  We could take her under our wing and offer her financial advice.  Maybe help her establish a budget and stick to it.

Then she disappeared.  Apparently, she didn't appreciate our helpfulness.  She told me she lost her home and her car and sank deep into despair during that time.  She said she is just now coming out of it.  She's doing better.  I see her positive self-talk on Facebook -- "Today is a good day and I'm not going to let anything or anyone get me down!"  She updated me on her still troubled children.  She told me she has no use for people who are phony friends.  (I wondered if I fit that definition in her mind, but didn't ask.)  People don't know your whole story.  They think they could do better in your situation, but they don't really understand it.

As we talked, she hinted at abuse in her early years.  It was the first I knew about it, although I'm not surprised.  Perhaps the most vulnerable thing she told me is that she has taken up cigarettes.  (I already suspected that; it's a small town.)  Our church doesn't approve of smoking.  Her admission may have been a sort of test.  I don't know if I passed.  I've already lost much ground with her because I'm the town library director and she has unreturned library items at her house and I once asked her about them.  Usually she ducks when she sees me coming, even though I have long given up on ever seeing those items again and have moved on to other challenges.  This time I caught her in a situation where she couldn't easily escape.  We weren't far into our conversation at all before she brought up the library material.  I wish I could remove the library materials from her association with me.  I wish I could erase some of the pain in her life, particularly in regard to well-meaning people who crushed her spirit.  For this round, however, the best I could do was practice my skills of active listening.

Ah, you say, but I could have said this or done that or steered the conversation here. Maybe you could have done that.  What I could do and did do was listen.  There have already been plenty of people with things to say to her. Those messages have left her wounded rather than healed.  She doesn't need additional hurtful words and I couldn't be sure I could say anything guaranteed to lift her up rather than tear her down further.  She offered a hug as we parted and I was glad to return it.

Act Two

Yesterday I mentioned to a couple of people that one of my friends is very generous.  This friend is also poor, underemployed, cohabiting with his fiancee, ignorant in certain areas, and has anger management issues which consistently lead to other problems.  Studies have shown that poor people are often more generous than those better off.  My friend is a good example of that phenomenon.  He is genuinely generous in spirit and had given time and effort to help a project involving my two companions succeed.  When one of them made a face and said, "Yes, I suppose he is, but he sure has other problems," I had to do a little anger management of my own.  What ungracious words from one of the least generous, most self-promoting "Christian" people I know toward someone who showed up to help without promise of reward.  I waited a couple of beats before responding.  She was no longer listening by the time I quietly said, "Don't we all."

Act Three

This morning, I asked in a group setting if there was any good news concerning an unemployed person not present.  The response was negative.  The further comments were more negative.  He says he's trying to find work but our reporter doubts he is trying very hard.  Someone else jumped in and talked about the need for persistence when looking for work.  I tried to suggest that being terminated from a job and having multiple job applications rejected can bring on debilitating discouragement.  In response, I was peppered with more advice about the value of persistence.  An anecdote was offered by someone who can testify to the value of persistence.  Not a single person in the group expressed empathy for the unemployed person dealing with discouragement.  I regretted having asked about him.  Being completely unsuccessful at stirring up any empathy for him after several attempts, I finally gave up and changed the subject.

Lesson Learned

There's one more thing in every person's story about which we have no clue.  We don't know what it's like to struggle with the particular problems of the particular children my friend is trying to raise as a single mother, particularly with the history of abuse she carries.  We don't know what it's like to carry the particular pain my unemployed friend carries.  We don't have their personality and history.  We think we could and would do better if we were in their shoes.  But we have never been and will never be in their shoes.  We will always be in ours, with our personality, our background, our personal baggage, not theirs.

Stop being negative about the negative people.  It's a reminder I need to review often.  I'm glad for the example of a generous spirit my poor, underemployed, ignorant, "sinner" friend shows me.  I would do well to emulate it.

The biggest question this makes me ask is, Why do I have to look outside the church to find such an example?  And why is it so difficult to stir up empathy for others among Christians?

On being outstanding

This morning I read a couple of glowing accolades from a recent memorial service.  They spoke highly of the dearly departed who was an outstanding person in multiple ways.  When I ran across this heretofore unpublished blog entry, I thought it might be a good time to post it.
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Last evening following the rehearsal for a wedding I'm playing for this afternoon, someone asked me two questions as one: "Do you give piano lessons and do you do any recording?"

I understood the first part. The answer is no. I've tried. Giving piano lessons is not in my skill set.

I didn't understand the second part. What type of recording? I sometimes make amateur accompaniment tracks for people wanting to practice a song or audition for something. I've never done anything that goes beyond a mic on the piano attached to whatever device is used for such recordings in a given era. There's a reason for that. I'm not that good. I started my piano career far ahead of my peers. I learned my first Bach 2-part invention in early elementary school. When my piano teacher moved away, I continued with independent study -- playing for hours a day out of any music I could find. However, I developed my skills "a mile wide and an inch deep." I can dabble in most types of music from reading "moderately advanced" printed notation to chording along with the latest popular worship song. The problem is that I never perfect anything. I just dabble here and there. I'm "moderately advanced" in a few areas, but not outstanding in any.

My last post was a five-minute special. I cheated on it. It was supposed to be done without editing. It turns out "without editing" is not an option for me. My backspace key gets a lot of compulsive use as I type. That's why I have so little to show for my five minutes. But even with compulsive editing, my writing is not outstanding. Sometimes people tell me it is above average. I have no reason to discount their assessment, but I'm pretty sure it's not outstanding.

I wonder what percentage of the world's population is outstanding in some area. How many can measure up to Robin Williams for ad lib comedy? How many writers of satire can stand in the same class as Samuel Clemens, a.k.a., Mark Twain? How many cellists have skills on par with Yo Yo Ma?

I'm sure there are many people who are outstanding in various areas and yet not famous, people who do what they do in outstanding ways who have never had their skills recognized beyond a limited sphere of time and space.  Even in this day of viral YouTube videos which give anyone a potential spot on stage if they can do something people enjoy watching.

There was a time I longed to join the outstanding crowd, to be at the top of the pack.  Now I realize I'm not willing to pay the price. I would rather be part of a team, working together to produce something adequate for the need.  Doing my part, carrying my part of the load, but not standing out as above and beyond the rest of the team.

It turns out the person questioning me has a band.  They need a keyboard player.  But my life is full of lesser things that add up to more when taken all together.  At some point I made the choice to give up being outstanding.  I think I'm all right with that choice.  Even though it means I will likely never make a list of top bloggers of America.

The Parable of the Great Banquet -- Luke 14:15-24

DIY Photo:  Today's photo is of a maze.  Since it's a do-it-yourself photo, you may select whatever type of maze pleases you.  Maybe one from a pencil game book.  Or maybe one for mice.  Or one made of shrubbery and intended for meditation.  Or a midwest fall "corn maze".  Or a game with a marble to roll around.  So many possibilities, why should I choose for you?  As always, thank you for handling this part of the blog on your own.
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Sometimes I think myself into a maze -- twists and turns and dead ends impeding my process.  I worry I won't be able to find my way out the other side.  That happened this week.

The setting was a small group Bible study.  We were looking at Jesus' parable of the great banquet in Luke 14.  Someone noted that poor and crippled and blind and lame people were seen as sinners in those days.  Their infirmities were evidence that God was punishing them.  The message of the parable is that God invites sinners to be saved and enter His kingdom.

The difference between that view and the one emerging in my own mind was too subtle to explain well to the group.  Maybe I can get a better grasp on it here.

When the original invited guests were too preoccupied to attend the banquet, the master looked around for other guests.  The ones who agreed to attend were the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.  They were well-pleased to accept the invitation.  "Sure, we would love to come!  When and where?"

As my friend noted, Jesus' listeners would have seen these people as sinners, rebels against the Master of the Banquet.  The difference between us has to do with the truth behind that perception.

In my friend's view, the listeners saw the invitation going out to rebels who then set aside their rebellion and accepted the invitation.  They repented of the sin evidenced by their "punishment" and entered the hall, even while still broken by that punishment.  It's a message of grace and redemption.  Former rebels have been wooed back into relationship with the Master of the Banquet.  They still bear the results of their former rebellion, but they are now welcome at the banquet.

In contrast, subtle as it is, I deem it important to note that Jesus' listeners were mistaken in their assessment.  Being poor, crippled, blind, or lame is not a sign someone is a rebel.  However, those infirmities label them as rebels in the view of Jesus' listeners.  The point of the parable is that we are often wrong about which people are likely guests at the banquet.  People we're certain are not Christians and will never be given admission to heaven apart from repenting of their sins and beginning a new life that looks more like ours may actually be in a better position to attend the banquet than we are.  While we are too busy doing worthwhile things to show up, the broken people around us may be closer to the heart of God than we are.

I think I'm moving away from the former interpretation and toward the latter because of my interactions with poor people.  I often find them to be more generous, more accepting, less self-focused, less judgmental than my middle-class church friends.  In many ways, they have much to teach me about kingdom living, even though they seldom darken the door of a church and have never studied Luke 14.  They haven't claimed their kingdom citizenship yet, but they aren't in rebellion, just a bit unsure if they can come up with the entrance fee.  When the invitation arrives, their response will be, "Sure, we'll come.  When and where?"

Recently, I have seen the stark contrast between the worst of professing Christians looking out for their own interests and the best of unchurched "sinners" stepping aside rather than demanding their rights.  When I look at the parable of the great banquet, I see the gates of the kingdom swinging open to the latter group.  And I hope to find my way in with them.

What do you think?

I like my own writing

Today's DIY photo:   spiral notebook with a hand holding a pen poised over fresh white lined paper.  (Got it?  I do appreciate your contribution in this area, dear reader.)

I was chatting with my daughter this morning, the one who blogs over here.  We were talking about blogs and research papers and writing and I commented that I enjoy returning to what I've written in the past.  Even when I don't remember writing it and can't fill in any gaps that didn't make it from mind swirls into words, I still enjoy reading it.  Is that a good thing?  Would I like it even better if I invested in some schooling on the art of writing and allowed an instructor to hone my skills?  What does it say about the development of my skills if I can go back eons in time to the beginning of this blog -- AKA eight years -- and find pleasure in reviewing my own words from that less mature time of life.

I once read a book that had been republished a decade or two or three after it was written.  In the introduction, the author said the publisher had offered him a chance to revise and update it.  He read it through and decided he liked it as it was, that other than using fewer commas he wouldn't change a thing.  And he didn't.  Even the excessive commas were left in.  As I read it I understood why the publisher had given him a chance to revise it and thought he would have been ahead of the game to take that chance.

I am reminded of that book when I find such pleasure in words written by my own hand in times past.  Apparently, I'm not making much progress with my writing skills.

Here's an example of my early blogging -- on writing.  I did do one tiny edit.  I have gradually noticed an overuse of "that" in my writing and deleted one instance.  Any suggestions as to further edits?  It's nice that blogger posts are forever editable.

The Queue

When I think about the idea of blogging regularly (daily or weekly), I see a need for planning -- having posts "on deck" in various stages of preparation; having a plan, a schedule; working ahead.

Or maybe I simply need to sit and type for a few minutes on a regular basis and allow some of the thoughts swirling in my head to make their way out.  It would be easier, however, if those thoughts never involved the private lives of other people.  Do I simply eliminate any references to the people who shape my days?  Do I blur their faces in my verbal photos of them?

Insert photo here.  (One thing I need to do is enroll you, the reader, to do your own photography.  It will save me so much time.  I am too lazy/busy/preoccupied to find photos to accompany my thoughts the way the best bloggers do.  The photos I need already exist in your head, anyway. You just need to pull them up.  You can help me out right now by reviewing a video from your memory banks of an interview with an unidentified person whose face is blurred and whose voice is electronically disguised.  See how that's even better than the photo I would have included?  Thanks for playing along today.)

My daughter has resurrected her blog here.  Seeing her actively writing is inspiring to me.  Maybe I'll start ...  Well, we'll see.  Maybe it will be another four months before my next post.  I wonder what the minimum frequency is for being an active blogger.

Related post:  The Problem with Blogs

Heretic? Or no?

This morning I read in Christianity Today (the print edition) about "insider Christians" -- people who embrace Jesus Christ as savior without leaving the culture of their native religion.  One of the things that sent one believer back to his roots was Christians who told him that Allah, the creator-God he had worshiped for a lifetime, was not the same as the Christian God.

How many times have I been told that Allah is not the God we Christians worship.  This has puzzled me greatly.  Islam is a monotheistic religion, right?  One God, creator of all.  That is the God I, too, worship as a Christian.  How much arrogance does it take to claim that my "one God creator of all" is real and worthy of worship and yours is not?

The man referenced in the article initially left his Muslim roots behind and embraced Christianity.  He attended a Bible college and studied the history and culture of Christianity.  Then he went back to his people and stepped back into the Muslim culture in order to spread the good news of "Isa-Masih" -- Jesus Messiah.  He is Christian by faith -- a Christ-follower -- and Muslim by culture and official religion.

Many people will say this is impossible, an oxymoron.  To accept the possibility leaves me outside of orthodoxy by the standards of almost everyone I know.  And yet here it is on the pages of Christianity Today as at least an idea worth noting.

Am I a heretic or simply being led in new directions by the Spirit ahead of the crowd?

Every day I spend time in the Christian Bible absorbing the teachings found therein.  Most of my "heresy" traces back to those pages and applies both faith and reason to what I find therein.

What has become known as the "Wesleyan quadrilateral" bases belief on Scripture, Tradition, Reason, and Experience.  My friends tend to rank them in that order, giving the voice of the Church more credence than that of reason or the whisper of the Spirit within our hearts.  There's safety there.  After all, if our hearts lead us in a different direction from what the church is taking, there's good reason to exercise great caution.  People have done outrageous things in response to what rages in their hearts.  However, in my 6th decade as a dedicated follower of Christ, I am discovering that many changes in the church have lagged behind but eventually ended up where my heart has led me long before.

I think I'm ready to trust my heart as molded by much exposure to Scripture and in open receptiveness to the voice of the Holy Spirit.

Which makes me a heretic in a few areas.  I won't bother to list them here.  It might be plenty radical for some to simply affirm that "there is only one God and his name (in Arabic) is Allah."

Also, in my 6th decade, I am discovering that serving Christ in my world doesn't require the blessing of the Church.  Which makes me a bit more bold than I have been in the past in risking the loss of that blessing.

I'm still not ready to say these things and link them to Facebook.  But I might take a baby step of linking them to Google +

Know Thyself

I noticed years ago that companies sometimes treat the weaknesses of their products as strengths in marketing.  At the time, a shampoo that was difficult to get suds from was being advertised as yielding mountains of suds while another shampoo that produced mountains of suds was advertised as effective against dandruff, a claim I found overstated as I brushed flakes off my shoulders.

Today I got a survey call at work from Duke Energy.  The interviewer wanted to know how well they were doing at keeping the electricity on, notifying us of outages, communicating hints and tips for saving energy, keeping rates down, etc.

As I stumbled through the questions that seemed to go on and on, I realized that I have no expectations of Duke.  They provide electricity with impressive up-time and bill us for it.  We pay the bill.  That's it.  When the lights do go out, we wait for them to come back on.  I don't remember ever hearing more than rumors about how long the power would be out during the several local disasters they have had over the past few years -- 36 hours or so for one outage.  Several of the questions were about the quality of such communications and I didn't know how to rate NO communication at all.  Is that a 1 on the 1 to 10 scale?  Is there supposed to be communication?  Have I missed figuring out how to tap into that communication?

Meanwhile, where I live (as opposed to my workplace) we get our power from an REMC.  R for Rural.  REMCs are the Rodney Dangerfields of the power world.  They don't get no respect.  Lights flickering in a breeze, out for the count at the slightest provocation, much higher cost than the city folk pay.

And yet ... all the things Duke wanted me to rate them on that they don't do at all, REMC does well.  They send out a monthly newsletter with both statewide and local updates on what's happening in the world of electricity, along with recipes, tips for using less electricity, and human-interest stories.  The rates are comparable to Duke's.  When I call to report a power outage, knowing that it may not be widespread enough for immediate notice on their end, they offer to call me when it is supposed to be restored.  (And if I don't answer they leave a message on my electricity-powered answering machine telling me the electricity is back on, which tickles my funny-bone when I hear it.)  They send out crews regularly to trim back the limbs that would otherwise cause flickering during wind storms (and took down a huge red oak tree for us once that was dead and threatening their lines if it came down -- at no charge).  We have no complaints about the up-time we get from REMC and, in fact, have had much less total downtime than Duke customers in recent times.  And REMC talks to us through that monthly publication.  All the things that the mighty Duke corporation was asking about for which I had no answers, I could have provided good positive feedback for my lowly REMC.  (And, yes, it's my REMC.  It's a Member-owned Cooperative and I am one of the owners.)

Just kind of funny.  I never even thought about expecting Duke Energy to provide the level of friendly hometown service we get from REMC.  Now that my eyes are opened ... I'll just be more grateful that I have REMC at home and Duke at work.  Is Duke really thinking about communicating with their customers in friendly, helpful ways?  They certainly have a long hill to climb toward that goal!

New direction?

This blog is going on eight years old and has lacked purpose from the beginning. It didn't take long for me to vent all my angst on issues I considered fit for public consumption. (Not that all that much public has shown up, but still...) I find that I'm more inclined to jump into online discussions started by others than to do monologues here in blogland. (I know, more readers would bring comments, which would be sort of like having a discussion, but I would still be responsible for initiating every new topic.)

Last week, however, I found a new love in the world of social media -- goodreads.com. I know it has been around a while. I've probably even seen it mentioned in my Facebook feed. I just never paid attention to it.

What makes it so attractive now is that, after many years hiatus, I'm back to reading fiction for pure enjoyment. This is prompted by two unrelated happenings that happened to coincide:

1. I bought a mini-tablet off ebay -- an Archos 32. Although it runs Android applications and does fairly well with them, it's goal in life, it's favorite activity, is to be an mp3 player. It fits perfectly into a shirt pocket or will nestle down into the pocket of sweats and feed me audiobooks as I DO OTHER THINGS! This is amazing. Books have always fought to KEEP me from doing other things. Now books are keeping me company while I clean or cook or do other mindless tasks that drive me crazy in their mindlessness.

2. The local library joined a consortium offering not only ebooks, but also audiobooks, many available in mp3 format.

I tried nonfiction, but it's not a good fit. Fiction flows more easily and requires less concentration, which is good since I'm DOING OTHER THINGS while listening and am sometimes only half listening.

This morning I was messing around over at goodreads.com and wrote a review of one of the most enigmatic classics I have ever read: The Great Gatsby. I noticed that goodreads would like me to post the review to my blog. Aha! This might be a good fit. I'll try it and see.
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The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I have a list of New Year's resolutions for readers that includes the suggestion of revisiting a book you just didn't get when you were 18. This suggestion prompted me to try The Great Gatsby again in my 40s. I still don't get it. A bunch of shallow people do shallow things. And it's a classic.

This is obviously a sign of something lacking on my part. Fortunately, I am more appreciative of other classics and my self-esteem is only slightly bruised by my inability to appreciate this one story which is so loved by others. It remains a puzzle, however. Maybe I'll try it again in my 60s and see if I'm to the point yet where I can appreciate it.



View all my reviews
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That's it. Not much of a review. I didn't even particularly like the book. (The second star was a recognition of the book's place in classic literature. On my own, it would have been a 1-star rating.) But we'll see where things go from here. I was amazed at how little time it took browsing goodreads to pile up over 200 books on my "read" shelf. I am only vaguely aware of how many books I have read over a lifetime, but it obviously must be a much higher number. Still, there are many more that I haven't read and goodreads did an excellent job of zeroing in on my interests and pulling up titles that I immediately recognized as good friends. I think I like this place!

Oh, you stupid phone!

In August I retired my Dell PDA and bought an Archos minitablet from eBay. Nice little device except for one glaring flaw -- no speakers, only a headphone jack. I have used my PDA for doing calendar reminders for years. This was a rather disappointing "upgrade."

Around that same time, I realized I was eligible for a cell phone upgrade and got an itch to do it. I looked around and found a Samsung Brightside phone -- not a smart phone, but pretty smart for a dumb phone. It has nice calendar and alarm features.

One of the reminders I need is to do an injection every other evening (for the MS that has been keeping very quiet since an attack in summer 2011). It's simple -- every 2 days do a reminder alarm at 9:00 p.m. Not a big deal.

I set up the alert. It worked once -- embarrassing me by playing its little ditty while I was sitting in a meeting, which obviously was running a little long. It has not worked since. I have deleted it, reprogrammed it, found an alarm that works and modified it, changed the ring tone, and everything else I can think of. Every Sunday morning at 10:15 my phone faithfully reminds me it's time to head to the church sanctuary for worship. Every night at 9:00 it sits there and does nothing.

Tonight I decided to do a search to see if anyone else has had similar problems with this phone. It turns out there are a bunch of very angry Samsung Brightside users hanging around the Verizon forums! (Where were all these people when I did a search for reviews before buying the phone?)  People who used to depend on their phone to wake them up for work or, like me, remind them about medication schedules until they bought this model. Lots of complaints about alarms that work once or twice or longer and then quit or never work at all, a few "this might work" suggestions, but no fix coming from the manufacturer. I tried one of the suggestions -- turning the phone volume to "alarm only." Then I realized I wasn't really using the alarm function, that I had a calendar alert. Is that the same? And anyway, I really didn't want to turn off my phone ringer. So I turned it back up.

At 8:45 my phone alerted me that it's an injection night, for the first time since that September meeting.

Really?? That's the key? Turn the volume down to "alarm only" and then turn it back up? Or does it have more to do with having the phone close to a computer screen full of suggestions that it is the worst phone ever marketed and should be trashed?

Once again, I'm thinking that demon possession is really the only reasonable explanation for the quirks of office machines and computing devices.

Important Tasks

Yesterday I removed an old apple tree stump from the yard. We replaced the old tree several years ago with a different variety and the root ball has been sitting next to the new young tree and serving as the heart of a weed patch in the front yard.

This is not a big deal. Our yard is large, mostly in front of the house, and is surrounded by untamed woodland. There are evergreens between the weed patch and the road. My clothesline with its sagging posts is nearby. No one trims under the other fruit trees in the yard or around the clotheslines poles. Ours is a country yard, not a manicured city lot. In context, the weed patch is not nearly the eyesore one might expect.

Still, yesterday was another beautiful spring day and I was lured into tackling the weeds. One thing led to another, the wheelbarrow was called into play, and the stump will now continue its decay in the woods rather than the front yard.

Was this an important task? No. It has not once earned a place on my to-do list. Was it urgent? Not at all. In fact, it's a prime example of the benefits of procrastination -- the longer it stayed there and decayed, the easier it was to break it apart for removal. Were there more important and urgent tasks on my to-do list? Absolutely. Just the thought of those very important and uncompleted tasks with their looming deadlines starts a tempest of anxiety within my mind.

So why did I choose yesterday to move the old stump out of the front yard? Why not complete the urgent and important tasks first and then reward myself by doing something more pleasant?

Two reasons. First, did I mention it was a gorgeous spring day? And not a single important and urgent task involved outside activity. I wanted to be outside more than I wanted to clear off my to-do list. But more than that, I'm beginning to realize that I am blessed with so many opportunities in life I could fill all my days doing urgent and important things and never get around to moving the old apple tree stump out of the front yard. Or writing posts such as this. If I ever cleared out all the clamor of my current to-do list, I would discover more opportunity to do more tasks that would look just as valuable as the ones currently clamoring for my attention.

I have often started an appointment-free Saturday with the realization that I could fill it completely with unfinished job-related tasks. Or church-related tasks. Or homeowner tasks. Or I could spend the entire day building relationships. Or I could catch up on reading and writing and sewing and other pleasurable tasks for which there is never enough time. I could fill such a day five times over! And at the end of that multiplied day I would discover more job- and church-related tasks, more projects to tackle around the house, more books to read, posts to write, more relationships begging for attention. And the weeds would still be growing tall around the old apple tree stump in the front yard because, with all those urgent and important tasks demanding my attention, it's not that big a deal to have one more weed patch in the yard.

In light of all this, I could make a resolution to deliberately devote some time every day to unimportant tasks that serve to refresh my soul. Or I could simply spend less effort fighting the siren call of such satisfying but unimportant activities. Sometimes I just need to shrug off the burden of overcommitment, go out in the sunshine and move old stumps, and let the to-do list deal with the resulting loss of time resources.

Related posts:
What Is It about a Garden?
Perception

#10 Suffering produces character.

This last entry in my expositions on Ten Things to Remember has been slow in coming. One reason for the delay is that, like the first entry, this last one, the other bookend, strikes me mostly as a platitude. Yes, I know. God loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life. (Yawn.) When that wonderful life starts to fall apart, people tell me I'm unlovable, and my emotions spiral downward, it's hard to believe it. I can give mental assent when my heart cries out it isn't true, but it seems hollow.

Now here we are at the other end with another platitude: Suffering produces character. There are at least two passages from the Bible to support this thought: Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4. Our parents, grandparents, and other mentors in life also sometimes like to remind us of this truth when they tire of our whining. Most of us, however, would gladly give up a little character development if we could find a way to avoid the hard times. And we all know people of weak character who readily relate all of life's difficulties that stand between them and being a better person. Sometimes, it seems, the primary product of difficult circumstances is wounded, unhappy people.

Still, it's true. When we choose to allow it, difficult times can indeed be good for us. They drive us to the God who alone can redeem them and turn what looks to be hopelessly bad into good. In the Bible, at the end of the book of Genesis, Joseph, the favored son of Jacob (aka Israel) sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, assures them that God used the terrible evil they did for good by enabling him to save the world as they knew it from starving to death during seven years of famine.

The worst evil people can do can be redeemed by the amazing life-giving power of our Creator. Hard times can work wonders within us. This I truly believe. But when trouble shows up and punches me in the gut, in those times of emotional distress, it's hard for me to see character as worth the price.

I can imagine a stand-up comedian getting some good laughs by pulling out this line, harking back to the lack of support from friends and family during the tough times. Which is maybe the greatest value it has when I'm flailing around at the bottom of an emotional pit. It can draw my attention to the world of laughter and irony and enable me to smile just a little at the drama which has so consumed my energy and skewed my perspective. I consider the measure of my suffering on a universal scale (pitifully low considering the intensity of my reaction to it) and consider how much character development I can hope to get out of it. Maybe being able to step out of myself and find even that tiny trace of humor in my heart at how serious I'm taking life's blows is a first step toward both emotional health and a stronger character.

So when I'm counting to ten in response to life's blows, if the first nine don't give me a hand up out of my slough of despair, I can at least fall back on this timeless piece of advice coming from those who aren't walking where I'm walking and think about what wonderful character development I can hope for if I manage to endure my suffering to the end.

#9 The words are not the message

I don't know about you but I regularly interact with people who don't articulate their feelings well. Sometimes they are unable to do so. They may not be in touch with their inner selves enough to know what lies behind their surface emotions. Other times they choose to hide their real feelings from me. Sometimes it's a combination. Hiding their inner feelings from me is an unavoidable part of hiding from themselves.

I recently triggered the defenses of a friend. In his “constructive criticism” response, he put a negative label on my viewpoint and told me I was blind to the truth about him and his actions. It was a struggle for me to look beyond the negative label I didn't want to wear and the word arrows being shot my way to recognize that the message my friend was giving me was that my words to him had hit a sensitive spot. I wanted to bring in proof of my visual acuity and persuade him to take back the negative label. I wanted to respond to his words rather than to the wounded spirit that prompted them. The urge to vindicate myself was strong.

When such scenes play themselves out, the words spoken tend toward extreme positions: “You never ...” “You always ...” They hold me personally responsible for bringing unpleasantness into the world. My own defenses spring to life and I make rebuttal statements. After all, the words contains untruths and I like to get the facts straight. But when I focus on the words I am missing the point. These negative words are generally not about me. They are a trap, a distraction. There is a message behind them that I'll miss if I'm not careful.

A couple of examples:

The words:
You are always late. [Not true. I am usually very prompt, seldom early, and do slip into late more than I like, but I am NOT "always late".]

The message:
The time I spent waiting for you has upset me.
Or maybe, I have had a bad day and your tardiness isn't helping.
Or maybe, I was hoping you would be early because I'm on a tight schedule today.

The words:
You didn't do a thing to help me. [Maybe not, but it's not as though I was sitting around doing nothing. Do you want to hear my excuses for not helping?]

The message:
I am tired.
Or maybe, I am struggling with this project.
Or maybe, this project has left me feeling isolated and alone.
Or maybe, I feel like our friendship is fading.

When words start raining down on me and my “truth detector” urges me to set the person behind them straight concerning their erroneous statements, I really need this reminder to look beyond the exaggeration, the non sequitors, and the accusations to the nature of the pain that brought out the word arrows. Otherwise, I'm just examining incoming arrows for balance and weight without figuring out who is shooting at me and why. If I can get beyond the words, I can ask the right questions to figure out what's really going on.

Even though it's almost at the end of my list of ten things to remember, this is in the running for the most needed reminder of the bunch. The words are not the message.

#8 What Goes Around Comes Around -- or: God Is Not Mocked

The connection between the two title choices of this eight item on my list of ten things to remember may not be obvious. The first version traces back to using a revolving door as a memory 'hook' for it. The door goes around and around. Moving one door panel inevitably moves the entire door. If I don't move with it, it will sneak up behind me and smack me in the back. I'll be the victim of my own actions.

The "God is not mocked" phrase comes from Galatians 6:7. In the NIV it reads: "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." Again, a chosen action (sowing a particular seed) inevitably leads to a predictable consequence. Pushing a door panel makes the entire door go around. Planting corn seed never gives you peas. If you plant corn, corn is what you can expect to grow.

This eighth thing to remember is related to the seventh and enables the seventh. When I pass on the love and mercy of God to those who don't deserve it, I give up my right and responsibility to set them straight. This could lead to a terrible injustice without the reaping-what-you-sow principle. This principle tells me that justice is built into the world and is completely independent of my efforts. I don't have to reflect someone's negative behavior to show them how it feels to be treated the way they are treating others. The whole universe is set up to handle that reflectivity. I can be confident that those who treat me with contempt will be on the receiving end of contempt at some point (if they haven't already experienced it). Those who are selfish will encounter selfish behavior in others. Those who demonstrate hatred will encounter hatred directed their way. The principle of reflectivity is so deeply ingrained in the universe that I am completely expendable as a mirror and can focus all my energy on reflecting the love and mercy of God rather than giving people a taste of their own medicine.

This principle of justice is revealed all through the Bible and abundantly demonstrated around us when we look through eyes of faith. I can look around and see that those who criticize me are often the subject of criticism. Those who fail to listen find few listeners. Those who dig pits to trap others often fall into those pits.

The psalms often talk of the wicked living well for a time, but note that their end is always destruction. It may look like everything is coming up roses for those who trample over me, but I can be confident that the thorns are there and will inevitably snag them.

The more faith I have in this principle the easier it is to resist the urge to push back against people whom I perceive to be mistreating me. Every seed they sow will inevitably produce a harvest. Those who are sowing seeds of unpleasantness may already be living in a world full of unpleasantness directed their way. Regardless of whether that's the cause or effect of their own unpleasantness, I can afford to be compassionate toward them, knowing there is no lack of negative consequences already coming their way in connection with their negative actions and attitudes.

As I apply this principle to those who have brought my world crashing down, I also remember that I too will reap what I sow and start looking around my seed bin for seeds of kindness and compassion. That's the type of crop I would like to harvest when what I set in motion comes back around to me. It's often easier said than done, but it helps to keep this on my list of things to remember.